The most arrogant thought I’ve ever had

Feeling totally on top of the world today and thought, “I am on top of the world. Demographically, I may not reign supreme but white men do. And they’re falling at my feet, tripping over each other to get to me. Then honestly, who’s really in charge? The white man? Or the woman they’d do anything for?”

It’s kinda true and also really messed up at the same time. But I guess we’re all entitled to really cocky thoughts sometimes? Forgive me! Haha! I swear I’m usually crazy humble.

In and out of love

I love quickly. I unlove quickly.

I am intense. I like it that way.

Somehow I’m still not too jaded to throw myself into a relationship, but to any potential suitors, please be warned that while I am all in, make myself available, and love hard, I am super quick to retract it all.

If you can’t appreciate and respect my generous ways, I’m out as quickly as I swept in. There are plenty of people in line who will reciprocate my intensity with pleasure. 

So don’t get too comfortable. Don’t abuse my leniency and love because I’ll be over that shit and on to the next one by the end of the day.

Disappoint me once…

…I’ll forgive it. Disappoint me again and you had better plan some grand gesture to attempt repair the damage because I’ve got a foot and a half out the door.

So go ahead, explain yourself.

I’m a greedy attention whore

Of course, I say that about myself with love and a touch of sarcasm too. I have been discovering over the past few days, as the guy I’m seeing is starving me for attention, that my primary need in a romantic relationship is quality time.

According to my Five Love Languages (a wonderful and helpful theory on how people prefer to express and recognize love) quiz, I strongly favor quality time.

I also took the Myers-Briggs test to continue my glimpse into this preference of mine. I’m an ESTJ and here’s what Thought Catalog says about an ESTJ’s Love Language preference:

I’m head over heels for the guy I’m seeing now but when he chooses to spend his time alone (when I actually have precious free time open) it’s devastating to me. I never realized how much I want to eat up every moment of my romantic interest’s time or how insulting I find it when I’m not prioritized in someone’s schedule. This is kind of mind blowing to me.

Divorce eminent, I started dating

It’s pretty much the nightmare I expected. Not in the way I expected maybe but here’s what’s resonating with me:

Divorce papers have been filed

Yup. We went there. The hearing is at the end of August, and then it’ll be final. It’s been two years separated and it was time to make it official. There is no hope for reconciliation. We’re peaceful. It’s crazy how matter-of-fact divorce can be.

That first anniversary while separated

How do you handle that crap?

When you look back after being dumped

In retrospect, I see so many signs that I missed. Moments and events that meant more than I could understand or assume at the time.

But I guess that I feel like when you decide to marry someone, when you make that kinda commitment where time is measured in lifespans, not months or years, there should not be such a blatant lack of communication or effort to remedy any problem areas. (I mean, we didn’t have any big issues. How the heck would we have survived a true tragedy?)

Anyway, to be as eloquent as possible, it sucks to look back and know the man you love and trusted your life (and then your child’s life) with could so easily stop loving and liking you.

If you ever see a grown woman throwing an anger tantrum in her parked car

It’s probably because she just hung up from talking to her mother-in-law

He might stay with me for our son, one day

A lot has happened. But basically, when picking up my son one night, I asked my husband how he felt about our relationship.

He essentially said he didn’t have much optimism, but that he didn’t want to be away from his son. He said he hated his job and his place in life, and he couldn’t handle a stressful home life in addition to his personal stress.

His solution? To have me move to my parents’ house, and move into his own apartment. I’m puzzled about how a person can choose a crappy job (trust me, he could have a new one in a few weeks if he was motivated) over his family. And then weakly offer that maybe, MAYBE one day, he could tolerate me because he didn’t like being away from his son.

I asked him how he thought I was supposed to feel about this. He said that was for me to decide.

So that pretty much means it’s over, right?

What kind of security is there when at the first sign of difficulty, he drops his wife and son over a crappy, easily replaceable job?